The Pool of Everloving Fck
by travisismycat584
Summary: Writing Challenge: Create a Deadpool X Forgotten Realms crossover... (Because I wanted to impress my boyfriend.) The Merc with a mouth insults the wrong nerd and ends up finding himself in a bit of a bind. Who is this crazy looking pimp and his gouchy Greek friend? And who is going to pay the cleaning bill for Wade's white unicorn onsie! (Warning: ADULT LANGUAGE! Lol)


The Pool of Everloving Fuck (Writing Challenge: Deadpool x Forgotten Realms)

Ok folks, due to the highly unusual concept for this piece, I doubt many will see this. However, I'm putting it out here anyways because I put a LOT of work and research into this to make it as accurate on both sides of the X. Lol. Comment it you love it, hate it, want to know what kind of drugs I was on when I wrote it... (The answer is none. I'm 30 with a car payment and a kid. Lmao) Anyways, folks, I do not own ANYBODY or ANYTHING in this story. I only lay claim to the order of the words. I did that. It was all me. Enjoy.

SCENE 1: Story Beginning

*Camera pans in on the outside of a large building, bustling with people in various cosplay costumes. Camera focuses in on a side door entrance. Door bursts open dramatically, out struts Deadpool with a white and blue unicorn onesie over his red suit, duel katanas sticking out on his back through the onesie.*

DEADPOOL: Ah the perks of being a superhero! Dry cleaning discounts, multiple movie offers, free chimichangas and endless chances to make money pretending to be someone else pretending to be me at a practically endless round of Comic Cons! Now, where in the titfuck can a swell guy like me get some goddamned chimichangas around this cesspit of nerddom? *places hands on face and looks left to right repeatedly.* Gasp! Oh where- *turns around and bumps into a overweight teenager with glasses, dressed as a wizard and wearing a Super Mario backpack and carrying a stack of books, knocking him down.*

Deadpool: Whoa, hey there Harry Potter, watch where you're going with your chunky self. What's the rush? Professor Snap trying to fondle your fuzzies?

Teenager: I'm not Harry Potter you prick. *gets up off the ground, picking up the books* I'm a wizard of the Brotherhood of the Arcane! That's Dungeons and Dragons, you ass. Harry Potter is an inferior fandom, much like your own. Marvel is at the mercy of Don Mickey and his Disney slaves. Which means, now that Stan Lee is gone, you're just another Disney princess!

Deadpool: Oh well excuse me _Gandalf the not so grey_, at least that means I'm hot and that I'm going to nab me a piece of hot prince ass! What do you do? Oh! You follow a bunch of filthy midgets around looking for a pawn shop! And I may be a Disney princess, but at least I'm not owned by Hasbro... you're just another cheesy 80's toy commercial that nobody remembers.

*Teenager starts to walk away looking irritated*

Deadpool: Oh and by the way, you might want to lay off of all those chocolate frogs, you'll need to watch your figure while you're older out chasing young boys and turning them into squirrels!

*Teenager turns back around and chucks a book at Deadpool, hitting him square in the forehead with a corner of it, knocking Deadpool to the ground.*

Teenager: That's Disney. Fuck you Douchepool! *walks over, picks book up and walks away into crowd.*

END SCENE.

"Ow. What the fuck knuckles Batman? What kind of book did that acne ridden shit stain hit me with? That must have been a Monster Manual 3.5 edition! And why the fuck can't I see anything?" Fumbling around in the darkness, Wade tried to get up on his feet, only to bash his head into something hard and suspiciously desk-like in the process. "Fuuuck! Who the fuck put a table in the middle of the nowhere? Hmmmm, it has a lot more heft to it than a _Hemnes_, I'll give it that." he grabbed at the piece of offending furniture with one hand while the other covered the top of his head and tried again to stand.

Suddenly dim lights switched on. Wade blinked a few times till his eyes adjusted to the gloom. The desk that he held onto was indeed very much heavier than the standard IKEA _Hemnes, _as it was made of polished black stone. The middle of nowhere turned out to be a small, but lavishly decorated room, books and scrolls tucked here and there into sunk in wall nooks, various, expensive looking objects lining shelves and gracing the tops of smaller tables placed around the circular room. A large garish looking gold framed mirror stood to one side of the uncluttered desk, behind him sat a opulently padded chair with jewels on the frame.

"OK, so I'm in the office of an eccentric Persian club owner. Sweet. Well when in Rome..." Wade pulled the chair closer to the stone desk and sat down, resting his feet on the top of the well crafted desktop, his blue crocs and white unicorn onesie pajamas standing out in stark contrast against the darkness.

"And you are?" Wade jumped in his seat, spooked by a rich, melodic voice that seemed to come out of thin air.

"Uh oh no one important. But who are you because from the sound of your voice I'm getting a Berry White meets Sebastian the crab from the Little Mermaid vibe and its kind of turning me on." Wade looked around the circular room, finding no one, growing worried, he gripped the arms of the jeweled chair and kept moving his head around, searching for the unseen intruder.

"I beg your pardon?" the voice called out again, a touch of intrigued irritation coating the spoken words like hot sauce on a chimichanga. A small sound caught Wade's attention. To the right of the desk, standing in front of the gaudy mirror was what had to be the blackest, and most flamboyantly dressed pimp the Merc had ever seen. Wide brimmed purple hat, complete with an oversized ostrich feather sat on his head. What appeared to be an open chested crop top showed off what had to be the tightest six pack abs ever to have graced a brother. He wore what were surely purple leggings from JCrew and topped them off with a pair of black knee high English riding books and a shimmering multicolored cape. He was pointing what looked like a black chop stick at him.

"I will inquire of you one last time, who are you? If you do not provide me with a suitable answer, I will have no choice to assume you are an enemy and deal with you appropriately." Wade and the strange pimp locked stares.

"Who am I you say? I'll tell you who I am. They call me Pool, Dead, and I'm apparently lost in 70's Black Cinema, because holy shit fuck you look like one bad ma'ama jama! I don't know whether to buy hookers or coke from you. Oh and Joseph was on the phone, he wants his technicolor dream coat back. God made that just for him and he's feeling pretty naked without it." The oddly dressed stranger tilted his head to the side, removed his large hat and glared at him as if trying to decide whether to kill him or not, which of course Wade knew was something that the heavily bejeweled fancy man couldn't do. "Look at those ears! Oh my god they are adorable! Do they get cell service?"

"Will you be quiet."

"Sure, but you have got to tell me what's up with the eye patch." The black stick still remained pointed at him, the look on its wielder's face was nonplussed. Wade made to jump out of the chair, but the black elf spoke a word and suddenly Wade was stuck right where he was, encased in a massive glob of warm green goo.

"Whoa, you know, if you threw in couple of Japanese chicks, this could be kinky real fast."

Jarlaxle stared blankly at the ridiculously dressed stranger seated in his chair. He was due to have a meeting with an associate in short order and aside from not knowing how this alien being managed to get passed all his traps, which his magical eye patch told him were all still in place, he was now stuck with the task of figuring out what to do with him. He asked the person a second time to identify himself and the rush of mindless chatter offered him no real answers. The foreigner, Pool Dead he called himself, looked like nothing remotely native to anywhere, Material Plane or otherwise, that the worldly drow had ever seen. He made to stand up and so Jarlaxle muttered the trigger phrase for his wand, shooting a glob of sticky green goo to apprehend the masked man. As a second thought, Jarlaxle tapped a gem on the gold rim of his mirror and inwardly sighed with relief when the noise in the room, namely the stranger's rambling, went quiet.

Behind his new captive, the outline of the official door into his office lit up a particular shade of blue, a dark hand print in the center of it. 'Ah, Artemis.' Jarlaxle thought. 'Perfect timing. The assassin will help me take care of this.' The elf felt a smirk light up on his face and he leaned over to touch a rune on the under side of his desk, taking care to avoid the goo and the trespasser's head as he attempted to headbutt the drow.

The door magically disappeared and in stepped the drow's human assassin, an irritated countenance plastered unflatteringly to his clean shaven face. The silencing spell was canceled out by the opening of the portal.

"Ah, my abbil, you arrived just in time! There's been an unexpected visitor that I could use your help with." the drow moved forward towards the human, his arm out stretched and indicating the trapped mutant. Artemis looked at the drow with complete and utter hatred in his cold grey eyes. Jarlaxle didn't let the deadly man's stare intimidate him or change his expression. Deadpool watched the exchange, his head rapidly turning from one person to the other.

"Oh I know this one! It's a dark, sullen silence! I happen to know a girl, who goes by Negasonic Teenage Warhead by the way, that is an absolute master of the sullen silence! You know, if she weren't a minor and in a loving relationship with this adorable Asian girl named Yuki, I'd hook you two up. Also, don't you think that Negasonic Teenage Warhead is singlehandedly the _best_ superhero name _ever?_!" Artemis ignored the strange idiot rambling in the chair and maintained his death glare, solidly aimed at his elven counterpart. Jarlaxle inwardly sighed, considering redoing the silencing spell, but remembered that his human cohort couldn't properly understand handcode yet. Deadpool continued to watch the both of them with exaggerated interest. He turned his head towards the funny looking pimp and nodded excitedly. "Oh my, he is _gooood_."

"Can we kill it?" Artemis deadpanned as the corner of his right eye started to twitch uncomfortably. Jarlaxle glanced at the masked intruder and then back at his comrade, shrugging his shoulders, rather uncharacteristically.

"Possibly. Time is of the essence however as I'm expecting company any moment now."

The assassin pulled out a dagger, its handle covered in jewels. Deadpool tilted his head to the side curiously.

"Is that Cartier? No, Chopard. Wait, Tiffany and Co-" Before Wade could finish his sentence, Artemis leapt over and ran his dagger across the Merc's throat, slicing through the material of the red suit and into the flesh beneath. He stepped back to avoid the blood and glared at Jarlaxle disdainfully for a long moment, waiting for the body's twitching to stop.

"There, your problem is settled. I came to tell you that Ki-"

"Owww! Nice try _Jack the Ripper_, but I can't diiie." Artemis and Jarlaxle both jumped back in complete shock and stared incredulously at their once again very alive captive. "Hey, you know, it'd be really nice if one of you could, oh I don't know, get rid of this green stuff, it's kind of ruining the unicorn onesie and gunking up my suit."

"This should solve the issue." Artemis pressed the red jewel on the end of his dagger handle, activating its vampiric properties, he looked up at Jarlaxle expectantly. Since the blade had already created a wound, its magic should work as normal.

"Hey, what tickles? Hahah, stop it. Seriously that's starting to get a little too close to my fancy spot if you catch my meaning there Ali Saam. Hah, you know I've always thought he looked like a Middle Eastern mix between Orlando Bloom and Ryan Reynolds, so intense. Loved him in Argo."

Artemis and Jarlaxle exchanged glances, the assassin sheathing his dagger in annoyance.

"What in the Nine Hells are you?" The human growled.

"Um, the slime issue? As I stated earlier, it's messing up the super suit, Edna won't be happy. However, me? I'm just your friendly, fourth wall breaking, neighborhood Spiderman." Wade struggled some against the hold of the green glob, hoping to break free on his own.

"Spiderman?" Jarlaxle glanced over to Artemis, his eyebrow raised ever so slightly in alarm. "Are you saying you are an agent of Lolth?"

"Agent of what now? I mean, I am told that I'm a pretty funny guy, so an agent of the LOLs might not be too far off."

"What do you mean by fourth wall?"

Wade froze, took a deep breath and turned his head to look off to the far side of his two captors.

"Hey Narrorator, You mind if I take over for a second? I'll promise to make it a good one."

A disembodied voice clears its throat uncomfortably. "Sure."

"Thanks, totally appreciate it... Ok kids, seriously now, I'd like to take a moment to discuss an important issue going around the schools. No, I'm not talking about that imfamous June 2005 Star Wars Collectors Edition of Playboy featuring Bai Ling on the cover. Yes, she's hot, but I'm here to talk to you about bullying. Bullying is bad, ok? I know, it's fun and _super_ easy to do, but the trouble is this... You never know when the person you make fun of is going to throw a gigantic book at you, knock you out and inadvertently transport you into a world where you're stuck to a chair thanks to He-Man's Jello dessert and having to deal with a black Xerxes a la 300 and a pissed off Greek dude who looks like he's smelling shit wherever he goes. Pretty sure somebody rolled a Nat 1 for this round."

By this time, the human assassin and the drow mercenary leader where both ready to... well, they didn't know exactly what to do. they both wanted to attack the obviously insane interloper, burn him alive, crush him below the weight of a mountain, drown him in the depths of Lake Donigarten, anything to shut him up and be done with him.

Suddenly, the portal to Jarlaxle's office lit up, this time a violent orange color, the outline of a hand print showing what looked like a gang sign in the center of it. Jarlaxle groaned worriedly. Artemis looked from the portal back to the mercenary leader with frustration.

"Who is that, Jarlaxle?" Artemis asked, his tone sounding rather strained. Wade watched the exchange, almost bored at the predictability of the two, and the fact that no one had yet to release him was irritating. His ass was going numb.

"An important agent from House Baenre, here to discuss matters pertaining to the situation you were briefed on two cycles ago."

The assassin went pale. He wanted nothing to do with either the agent or the situation, nor the events that were currently unfolding before him. He moved towards Jarlaxle and touched a hidden button on the frame of the mirror, then stepped inside it, into a portal that opened up elsewhere in the Bregan D'aerthe complex. Jarlaxle sighed as the surface of the mirror re-solidified. He looked up just in time to see the mind flayer, Methil El-Viddenvelp, Matron Baenre's pet illithid and trusted adviser enter through the portal and materialize in the room. Jarlaxle, as always, was grateful for his magical eye patch that could keep the creature's mind reading powers at bay. However nothing could have prepared him from what was about to transpire. Wade too took a look at the new comer and failed to swallow his revulsion.

"Holy shitballs you are one ugly octopus! Wait a hot sec, Doctor Zoidburg?! No wait, all hail the great Cthulhu! All-"

SCENE 3: Reality Check

'Ryan! Hey Ryan! Wake up you prick!"

Slowly the handsome and entirely charming Canadian actor came to, managing to crack his eyes open, the blurry shape of Negasonic actress Brianna Hildebrand was hovering over him. His head swirled and it felt like he had been sucker punched by Colossus.

"Am I dead?" Ryan closed his eyes and continued to lay where he was on the ground.

"No, but I'm pretty sure you should be after you pissed that kid off and got hit with that book. One of the crew managed to track him down and explain the situation to him in hopes that he wouldn't sue." A cell phone started ringing. Brianna answered it and walked away.

"Damn. That kid wasn't part of the cast? Maybe I should stick more to the script."

END.

OOOOOK. *sighs* Hope everybody got some sort of a chuckle from that.


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